It’s been a very long time since I’ve written anything, at least on here anyway. I have a personal journal that I’ve tried to write in everyday but have failed miserably in doing. The journal was meant to be a “self revelation” or “self discovery” journal. I would write down my feelings, thoughts, moods, etc to find a better understanding of me. Trying to understand myself is a full time job in itself let alone trying to understand the world and those around me. I figured the best place to start is with me.
What I found that was interesting, in this path to self discovery — one phrase kept popping up, “If you want change, start with yourself”. At first I wasn’t sure what to think of this. I had so many mixed emotions. The most prominent being, why should I have to change? Haven’t I done enough of that already? It was very frustrating to me, but the more I thought about it the more I realized that it was true. I remember thinking about it when me and my husband were going to work out. We went to Wendy’s and started to talk. I brought up my journal and the phrase that kept coming up. It was then that I realized how true it was. I simply could not change anyone or anything around me. If I wanted change, then I had to be the change I wanted and the rest would fall into place. Even though I knew this made sense and it was true — it was not easy to accept.
I was carrying a lot of anger and frustration. Things that were, in fact beyond my control. With that being said though, there was ONE thing that was in my control and that was me. My actions and reactions. I could change myself —
So moving on — In all this, this path to finding understanding. I will need to go backward and update since the last time I wrote anything. I went back to school, got an Associate CIT degree. Once I graduated, I found myself with a new job and high hopes. I was able to finally leave the DOH and move into a job that would utilize my new degree.
The job was rough at the beginning and I was scared to death because I was wired to be a Secretary not an IT Technician or rather “Level II Analyst”. I was able to get comfortable with the job after a week or two. I was then moved to the weekend crew — only Saturday because I won’t work on Sunday.
Long story short, I would come home annoyed every Saturday and most importantly Spiritually drained. Skipping ahead, about two weeks ago I was laid off from said job. Husband and I think that, it was perhaps God intervening for me and has something greater for both of us. I was able to work with my husband and get him motivated to look for employment and I was able to help him with his resume. I was able to get unemployment until one or both of us find something more definite.
About a week ago I think, I had a talk with the bishop. The talk was originally to ask for help with bills (laid off and unemployment wouldn’t start for another week), but it lead into things that I was carrying — frustrations, annoyances, etc. The meeting went well and the following Monday, me and husband decided to get a Little Caesar’s pizza and head to coonskin for a “date” as it were. In the process of eating and talking, for the first time in a very long time — we had a nice talk. He told me about things that were in my heart, the things me and the bishop talked about. It was, wonderful. Knowing that he somehow read my heart and knew what I was feeling and knew what I needed — what we both needed. Ever since then, he and I can talk now. We are on the same path with the same goals — we are working together, like husband and wife should be and I feel (felt) the world being lifted off my shoulders and I truly believe that losing my job was necessary. Not only for my spirituality, but to help bring us back together.
There are so many things that can get in the way and sometimes, the reset button needs to be pushed. I know that God has something better in store for us. We have to pray and have faith. I know things will work out for the better. So far they have and for that I am truly grateful. I’m not saying that its easy to be in this situation, but life isn’t easy and it was never supposed to be.
I am still on that path. Learning and growing —
One thing I know for sure — I must keep the faith and hope for the beginning of a new day, something better and greater!
“Wherefore, if a man have faith he must needs have hope; for without faith there cannot be any hope.” Moroni 7:42