another year…another 4th of july =)

Another year has gone by — I am not the same person I was a year ago or even a few months ago. One thing remains the same though, no matter how many years go by; I am forever grateful that I ran down that hall way and asked him his name.

I guess it is easy to reminisce the past events when things are going well; we have had our share of ups and down that’s certain — but even still through all the bad times, I wouldn’t walk or want to walk with anyone else. God set our foundation from the beginning and I can’t let go of that or forget; even though at times, it is rather easy to forget. I knew there was something about him that drew him to me. That same “magnetic” attraction is still there; sometimes overshadowed by things that shouldn’t be there.

This world doesn’t make it easy for two people to hang on to each other. There are so many things that can get in the way, whether it be a person or an object, or even both. I find myself with an elephant memory, mostly of things that hurt — usually something someone said. I can overcome most actions, but words stick with me the most. I want to let go of those things so I can be free. It’s probably odd to think about these things on an anniversary or a few days passed it. I suppose an anniversary is a time of remembering and my mind has been full of thoughts and irritations — I guess I am trying to figure everything out and try to find a resolve to bring myself some peace. I don’t want to hold onto the hurt of the past — those things are taking away from the joy of the now.

I love my husband very much. I don’t want to forget that — when things are rough and both of us are ready to walk out I’m afraid that somehow we’ll forget and all of things that mean everything to us will somehow disappear and they’ll be gone. I had a leather bracelet engraved from Broadway at the Beach to remind me: ETERNITY Michael & Krystle.  Even that, I have taken off in anger and then felt so bad I cried and felt so lost. There have been many times we’ve forgotten, but yet somehow we run back to each other because that is the only comfort and safety we know; still, I have this fear deep down that somehow this is too good to be true and I’ll lose what I have or I’ll be forgotten about. Maybe in all this worrying is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I worry about it so much with no focus on the now, I lose my way. I really don’t know.

This year’s anniversary was good; I need to remember the story we tell of how we met, I need to remember things he has said to me and written me. I need to allow my memory to forget and unburden myself with the chains of all the hurt and past wrongs. I don’t want to forget the good times and how much I love him and how much he means to me, no matter what happens. My head keeps telling that It is easy to type these positive feelings when I haven’t forgotten and when we haven’t let the world try to tear us apart — My head is right, it is easy to remember when the memories of good times are fresh. It is interesting how my memories work, I’m an elephant when it comes to things hurtful, but a short/forgetful memory when it comes to things good; mostly in regard to people who are closest to me. I need constant reminders. I wish I could rewire my head to fix the way I hold memory. I’m not sure if this has come to be overtime or something that has always been there.

Maybe this post is more for me; as a reminder when things get rough, I can read this and remember. I can know that what he and I feel for each other is real and it’s not going anywhere. We hold a place in each other’s hearts that cannot be replaced; not by something or even someone. 

To my husband: I love you, very much. I don’t want to forget … Together. remember?

i forget — time and time again

I find myself forgetting, at times — things I have already learned. Sometimes I learn the same thing more than once and I use that term loosely, because once can be anywhere from actually once to millions of times and then some.  What I am trying to wrap my head around is why, as a flawed human; I forget things so easily and head down the same path over and over again?

I feel the same feelings, I know what they are and where they come from. I know the truth and what is really going on, but yet — and still — I walk the wrong way with huge red stop signs, caution cliff ahead signs, dangerous curves ahead signs, etc — and still. I know the end results and nothing positive will happen. I’ll be stuck in this deep dark forest trying desperately to find my way out and knowing that it was me, I put myself there. I chose to walk that path, all the while knowing which one I should have taken instead. I cry and feel miserable — have myself a wonderful pity party and vent — and start all over again.

Am I too blame for it all, I guess that would depend on if you like playing the blame game, which is as old as Adam and Eve –

Adam: “The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.”

Eve: “The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.”

It is so much easier to blame someone else “he made me mad”; you know the song and dance. No one wants to admit any wrong doing, no one wants to accept the idea that, you have agency and YOU choose how you react — Y O U. No one made you do anything or react in any way. You made the conscious decision to say or do whatever you wanted. My Bishop counseled me about this and yes, I got angry with him, but what he said was true.

The only thing I am in complete control of is myself, that’s it. People at work, people at home; even my husband — none of us are perfect — These people do things that irritate me and hurt me and upset me; all of us, yes ALL OF US have experienced the natural man. Even now, it does anger me to know that I can choose to react or I can choose not to react — that is all ME and MY choices. To know that I can still be happy or I can choose to be angry. That’s the real “witch” of it, ya know? Needing to have self-control and not get angry — being perfect like Christ. Those shoes are very hard to follow, but he is our example. Perhaps I have found my answer already — I am a flawed human and perhaps because of this, that is why I forget and choose the wrong path; every path but the one, straight and narrow because that requires a flawed person to be perfect like Christ. To choose the right — no matter how hard or annoying or hurtful. To choose what is right because it is what Christ would do.

If there is a blame game — the only one to blame is myself and I even cringe to type that and even admit that. As a flawed human, I want those who have, I feel, wronged me to apologize and to acknowledge wrong doing on their part. In reality, I only need to control one thing, Me. The natural man in me cringes. Just the thought of, someone getting the better of me and hurting me; then turning my other cheek just have to them slap it again. What?! Are you kidding me? My reaction and/or action are the only things I will answer for. I won’t answer for anyone else. Just ME. 

When you think about it though, isn’t easier to just worry about one person? Because in all reality just keeping yourself in check is hard enough let alone trying to make sure everyone is in check. So, is it a blessing that Heavenly Father wants us to keep our ducks in a row and let everyone else keep their own ducks in a row?

What we lack, he’ll make up for. Looking at it that way puts a new perspective on it and it seems a little easier to swallow. As long as I keep MYSELF on the straight and narrow; doing what I know I should be doing — then I’m on the right path. Each and everyone us is responsible for one person — ourselves. Heavenly Father gave us free will to choose and make up our minds; to have complete and full control. All of a sudden a quote popped into my head, “With great power comes great responsibility”; it is a great power to have complete and full control over something — every decision we make not only affects us, but everyone around us in one way or another and we have to make the right choices and do the right thing — the hard thing. 

So I pick myself up and start over. Maybe for the first time or the millionth time. Will I forget, yes. Will I make the bad choice, yes. Am I perfect HA! Not even close — but I will repent, pick myself up and try, try again. Only time one fails is when they give up. Endure until the end.

rant — thanks karen!

Here is my rant — I get sooooo sick of people updating every time they do something. I don’t care if you go to the bathroom, I don’t care who did this to who — I.don’t.care. Stop telling the world the most intimate details of your life — stop telling people “I’m bored text me!” uhm HELLO get off your lazy butt and go visit a REAL HUMAN!!!!!” and another thing, please stop talking on the phone while you’re in the bathroom, no one wants to hear you while you’re doing your business. So yea, I agree with everything you said Karen Nicholas. In my opinion the zombie apocalypse are the “iPhone, iPad, etc” generation. Another rant here I was at Gino’s with my mom and dad a few months ago. There were a group of 4 girls eating lunch together and I use that term lightly — they were sitting together and sharing a pizza — never talked to each other or even looked up — ALL FOUR OF THEM were texting and whatever else teenagers do with their phones and never really associated with the real, living breathing creatures they were sitting in the booth with — they’d rather associate with a cold, lifeless device and gossip about the latest non-sense — which leads into the issue of Gossip altogether —

1 Timothy 5:13 “13 And withal they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house; and not only idle, but tattlers also and busybodies, speaking things which they ought not.”

James 3:5-18 ” 5 Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth!
6 And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell.
7 For every kind of beasts, and of birds, and of serpents, and of things in the sea, is tamed, and hath been tamed of mankind:
8 But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.
9 Therewith bless we God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similitude of God.
10 Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be.
11 Doth a fountain send forth at the same place sweet water and bitter?
12 Can the fig tree, my brethren, bear olive berries? either a vine, figs? so can no fountain both yield salt water and fresh.
13 Who is a wise man and endued with knowledge among you? let him shew out of a good conversation his works with meekness of wisdom.
14 But if ye have bitter envying and strife in your hearts, glory not, and lie not against the truth.
15 This wisdom descendeth not from above, but is earthly, sensual, devilish.
16 For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work.
17 But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be entreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy.
18 And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace.”

So yea, I see this new generation being anti-social and not knowing how to treat each other. It is so easy to spread gossip and other mean and hateful things about someone online because you don’t see them face to face. I see Facebook as nothing more than a place to spread gossip and produce UN-necessary Drama. I can’t say that I’m not guilty of updating my status and going on rants when I get angry about something, but I don’t try to harm or hurt people. Most of the time I use it as a tool to spread moral values which has actually landed me to be unfriended more than I am friended — I guess people don’t want to hear the truth.

Oh and one more thing — another infuriating thing is when you’re waiting in line to check out or order food and you have to stand there and wait while someone finishes their HIGHLY important gossip session — then they get angry when the employee skips them and goes to the next customer because they are just as sick and tired waiting on that person as the customers are. I want to grab their phone and throw it away in the trash — so annoying, rude and just disrespectful!

allow me to tell you a story…

I left work @ 11 to get my husband for lunch.  Of course its bitter cold outside and my ears and nose felt like they were about to fall off; ya know, the wonderful “stingy” feeling you get when its extremely cold.  I started the engine and realized that I needed gas, so I drove to the 7-eleven next to the parking lot. I turned off the engine and popped the gas tank lid, opened the door and walked around to the passenger side expecting to find the lid to be open, but it didn’t. It was frozen. I tried two more times and then thought, well if I clear off the snow/ice maybe it will open. Tried yet another two times, to no avail. The gentleman beside me came back from paying inside and offered to help me, his car does the same thing. I was finally able to start pumping gas.

I noticed that the windshield was covered in salt/ice.  I started to clean it with the gas station squeegee thingie when I heard someone say “Hey, miss?” I looked up and said “Yes?” She asked me if I had any spare money or change that she could have for the bus. She said that, she and her friend (but I didn’t see anyone with her) needed to get to Montgomery because the homeless shelter was packed with people and they were sleeping in the floor, etc and needed to get to Montgomery where she had a place to stay. I smiled and told her “of course, I’ll help you. Just give me a second to finish filling up and I’ll check to see what I have”.  I walked around to the divers side and opened the door to my car and picked up my purse and proceeded to pull out a handful of $1 bills (at least 6 or 7 of them) from my change purse and handed it to her. She mentioned that she was pregnant and was hungry. I said, “Oh my sweetie, you need to eat and find some place warm, let me see what else I have”. I proceeded to dig around the bottom of my purse and pulled out a handful of nickels and dimes and then handed them to her. She thanked me and said God Bless You; I said the same to her and got in my car and started it up. It wasn’t until then that I realized, “wait a minute! I only had one $5 bill and I used $4 of it when me and my husband went to Beckley to watch the new Hunger Games on Saturday — where in the world did I get so many one dollar bills, nickels and dimes?!

God works in wonderful ways. I see it in my life daily — Charity is the greatest virtue of them all. If you see someone in need, help them. Regardless of the circumstance — theirs or yours. Regardless of who they are and who they aren’t. Have no respect of persons.

I know that I am not perfect and I struggle with the last part; respect of persons, especially when it is someone I feel threatened by. I do know one truth however, the blessings that God provides when you do help someone in need, with no questions asked. You see, we are our brother’s keeper. It is up to each and every one of us to do our very best to help each other and not walk on by because we’re in such a hurry to make it to the finish line. It’s not a race — its more like, how many have you stopped and helped? How many lives have you touched? How many people have you bore testimony of the truth and the love of our Heavenly Father? I sincerely pray that each and every one of us can stop and help — to just love unconditionally. I know God lives, I see his work daily.  Even when I don’t deserve it, he’s there.

So many times I’ve wondered how am I going to get to work today or this week. So many times I’ve needed gas money or money to buy food with — then I’d have this overwhelming desire to do laundry (which, by the way I hate doing — I’d rather wash dishes than do laundry!) and as I put the clothes in the dryer or take them out a $10 or $20 would seem to hop out of the machine and on the floor; just enough to last until my next pay-day. God is there and he provides that I have no doubt.

I guess in all this, I just ask that — if you see someone in need, stop and help them. Don’t turn away or ignore/avoid them. They are your brother or sister. Lead them back to our father in heaven.

“And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.” 1 Corinthians 13:13

“Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.”
James 1:27

“Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.” Matthew 22:36 – 40

how did we get here?

I’ve been listening to/watching what has been going on in the world lately and I was quickly reminded as to why I try to ignore/avoid it.  I don’t claim to know everything or even understand everything, but I do know that something is very wrong. When I read an article from Glenn Beck or listen to one of his shows, but not only Glenn Beck, sometimes just ‘news’ in general — There is this strange emotional roller coaster that occurs.  At first, I get so irritated with what is being said and/or done that I want to smack the snot out of the person for being stupid, you know? Once that part is over, I feel depressed or sad because I don’t understand, but I do. I can’t comprehend why there is so much division between people. Then I get anxious because I want so much for there to be this glorious answer right up in the sky, plain as day explaining it all to me. So that my mind can wrap itself around what is going on and I no longer have to wonder, How did we get here? What is going on? and In that same wonderful moment, my answer would be lit up for all to see and I would finally understand. Finally know what has been going on.  No more doubts or feeling anxious. No more asking/wondering why? I don’t understand, but I do — I say that I do because I know God exists and I know Satan exists. I know some choose to follow God and some choose to follow Satan and because of this, there is a division — but how did this division become so profound and obvious?

My mind simply cannot comprehend why the hate, why the intolerance and why the blatant attack; without reason. I simply cannot understand.  Is there a reason? My heart and soul knows there is a reason, but my mind cannot truly understand it, my mind cannot wrap around the reason, even though I know its there. Good and Evil do exist. There is no denying that, but is that the reason? The one and only reason? There has to be something more, something more profound — there has to be! I can hear my mind screaming. It cannot be that simple, it can’t. Why are people so angry and so hateful? Why do people hate each other to the point where, they are willing to shut them up in anyway possible because they don’t agree?

How did we get here?

How did we go from a god-fearing moral people with values and treating each other with respect to — this intolerance for anything that we may or may not disagree with? To this insane political correctness?  I say insane because, you cannot call someone for who and what they are — a girl is a girl and a boy is a boy — you don’t decide one day to be a girl and a boy the next; if you practice Islam, then yes, you’re a Muslim.  Things and people are what and who they are, why do we hide behind this idea of offending?  Christmas is a Christian holiday, why hide behind “happy holidays”? — How did we go from values and dignity to condemning someone because they disagree with you? Why does it seem that the majority of people are against anything Christian or moral for that matter?  Why is there this hatred from Atheist? If you don’t believe, fine. If you don’t want to celebrate Christmas, fine. But, why the attack? Why deface Christians and their beliefs because you don’t agree or you don’t have a religion? We all have a choice — if you want to believe, believe. If you don’t, that’s fine too.  But, why can’t we respect each others differences and love each other  anyway? Your life is yours and what you do with it, is yours. Not mine or your neighbors. Can we disagree, sure — but we can still respect and love each other.  Not try to shut each other up because it goes against what we believe or don’t believe. It’s not judging to teach someone or show them a different path.  You can agree to disagree and move on.

This is more than just religion, of course. This is the attitudes and morals, or rather lack there-of rather– in general. This, intolerance and anything goes attitude. Good is Evil and Evil is good. Why are people embracing this hatred — this if you disagree when they automatically pull the name calling card (homophone, bigot, racist, etc.)  and vulgar language? Why the black on white crime that no one is willing to talk about and if you do then they pull the “racism card”? It’s okay for any other race to be proud of their heritage, but let a white man say it and he’s a racist? When How did we get here? — I can’t comprehend why people hate — so much in fact, that they try to destroy all that they don’t like or makes them feel uneasy. They try to destroy and bring down everyone and everything. Why aren’t people willing to stand up for what they believe?

I have so many questions — so many why’s I need an answer too. Why are people so intolerant? Why do people hate? Why do people sit down and shut up? Why don’t we just love each other? Why do we embrace infidelity and sexual-ism? Why do we embrace all that is unmoral and without value and kick out the basic “love your neighbor as yourself”?  Why just mentioning God or Godly values make someone so uneasy the resort to name calling and vulgarity? and making fun of them?  Have we become so numb and desensitized that we honestly cannot discern good from evil — and even if we can, we still embrace evil? Have we gotten that far away from the basic human compassion and dignity that we can’t overlook differences and just love? We have to resort to — shoving a belief down someone’s throat and spit on what they hold to be sacred to them (homosexuals trying to force Christians to support and condone their sin) and if Christians disagree then they are judging them and are bigots? I will include the Christmas Holiday; it is Christian — but yet people are spitting on that belief as well, why? Even our music, movies and culture — why this huge transition and division?

I want so much to understand; to have someone explain to me what happened so I can finally understand — how did we get here?

Long time, no write

Realizing its been awhile since I’ve written I decided to test my new WordPress app.  I picked myself up an att go phone the other day and its kinda neat.

I have all my LDS apps on it as well.  The same ones that were on my iPod touch which was stolen.

August was the last time I posted. I guess I lost my inspiration or rather my desire to write.  Which is unfortunate because I love to write.

Anyway, I’m a little tired, bored and lonely.  My husband isn’t here at the moment.  He is working on a friends computer.

i did it again…

I am stuck.

I am trying to live my life as God would have me, but all the while I am creating situations for confrontation because my views aren’t of man, but of God.  This world has turned so far from God; its upside down.

I can’t keep myself from expressing Godly values, but especially during times when bad things happen and they could have been avoided or better yet, not even happened at all.  The outcome could have been different — I also understand that we all have choices, but we cannot choose consequence.

That is part of my point here.  I recently read two news articles that started this “soap box”.  This isn’t a blame game, please understand.  It’s more about understanding that there are certain truths that you cannot deny or brush under the carpet.  There are certain responsibilities that you cannot take lightly or underestimate or even, not care about.

The first article was about a BuckWild cast member being arrested for a DUI and some other charges.  I commented about my irritation with not only the article (and one other) but with that show in general.

Now I completely understand that he is in fact over the age of 18, for the sake of argument over 18 in society makes him an “adult”.  In my humble opinion, it takes more than turning 18 to magically become an adult, it takes a lot more than that to actually become one.

The second article was about some young people being out at 4am, but the worst part is the accident and one being fatally wounded — very sad and tragic and unfortunate and one I believe could have been avoided.  I have to ask  though, where are the parents and why are they letting their kids ages 14 – 18 out that late without supervision?  Does anyone else not see a problem with this?

Being a parent is hard; it takes more than just the act of creating a child.  We are given charge over our Heavenly Father’s children.  We are to teach them in the same way Christ taught; through example, HIS FATHERS example.  What HIS FATHER taught him.  It is more than just saying don’t do this or that; you have to practice what you preach to your kids.  You have to show them that not only do you say things, but you DO THEM.  It’s irrelevant if you tells your kids something and turn around and do it yourself, do you honestly think that child is going to take you seriously?  Think about it!

I also understand that we can choose.  It’s much different when you talk about a child who was NEVER taught and making a mistake than a child who WAS taught, but chose the wrong anyway.  That isn’t on the parents shoulders.  The parents DID THEIR JOB.  A parent isn’t a best friend and too many parents try too hard in pleasing and making the child happy without questioning the Godliness of it and if its right or wrong.

Even if the child is over 18, it is still the parents job to guide and teach them — to help them become an Adult.  A parents job IS NEVER done.  You cannot expect someone who has just been on this earth a mere 18 years to know everything they need to know, certainly not.  They still need their parents wisdom from their years of experience to help, but again the child can still choose to listen or not — you have to understand though, you CANNOT choose the consequence. Remember that.

Sometimes as a parent, especially if the child is under 18 — you can teach that teen because you’ve been that age before and you know the routine.  You know all the tricks because you done it to your parents so you have this gut feeling and instinct.  If you have this feeling, put your foot down! Say no.  If the child gets angry, so be it.  They’ll get over it and maybe even thank you for it later.  Use your wisdom, use Christ’s example.  Lead by him which was taught by his father — keep that legacy going parents.  Protect his children.

A movie theater or mall (or other such place) is NOT a BABYSITTER, especially girls that are dressed like a 30-year-old Las Vegas harlot, just saying.  They must be supervised with one or the other parent! I guess mainly my whole point here is, being a parent is a hard job and it does require doing the hard thing — but its the right thing and in the end, when the child is older and can better understand, they will appreciate your stern, but loving hand.  Just like our Father in Heaven.

I also understand and realize that teens will not listen 100%.  That is the nature of being a teen.  BUT parents you cannot be so focused on being the cool parent and being their best friend you stop looking out for their best interest.  Don’t be afraid to lay down the law and say no.  That is your job.  Regardless of their age, you choose the right and you teach them the right — unpopular or not, cool or hip who cares — you do what is right, good and true regardless of the latest norms and what not. Of course, there ARE right and wrong ways, I get that — Heavenly Father gave us an example, use Him.

4th of July

It wasn’t exactly the most romantic of anniversaries; spending the entire day remodeling our bedroom. Even though the day didn’t turn out as planned it will however be worth it once we’re finished and FINALLY we’ll have a bed to sleep in. Instead of the floor or on a futon mattress or even the couch.

I sent him 6 red, white and blue roses to his job on July 3rd and made him a card (which took 2 – 3 hours).

Also, I’ve been working on a writing project, which is why I haven’t written anything here and besides, no one reads this anyway so what difference does it really make?

Below are some pictures of the flowers I got him.

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He got me an awesome bed and all I got him were some lousy flowers! :-D He’s such a wonderful husband!

Below are two pictures of our mattress — Simmons Beauty Rest: Bryanna! (and lemme tell ya, she’s COMFORTABLE) (the mattress had something on it when we opened it; a technician came 3 days later and removed whatever it was, thank goodness it didn’t void our warranty!)

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Wow, it’s the end of July and I’m finally finishing this post.  Our bedroom is almost finished, we had to order the floor which took a few days and what not.  It was so easy to put down, I did it by myself save the first 3 rows.  I had to order another box cause we ran out.

All the work we put into the room remodel was worth it; the bed is so cozy it sucks you in and won’t let you out!

Below are the pictures of the remodel and I will post pictures of the completed floor once it is all down.

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angelic voice

I started a writing project a few weeks ago and this what I came up with for the “Author’s Note”:

I wasn’t blessed with an angelic voice as I’ve so often wished.  A voice to sing praises to my Heavenly Father, a voice to express my soul and how much I love him; how much I appreciate and thank him for all he’s done.  A voice to reach out to young souls, to give them the same hope I hold in my soul.  To show them that there is another path and its a path of love and hope, one that was paved by our Father in Heaven.

I’ve heard talk about gifts and how each of us are blessed with one, maybe even multiple ones. How each gift is unique to us as people and how we are to use them and embrace them. How we are to strive to serve each other and our father by these gifts.

I used to think I was gift-less until a specific gift was revealed to me in a blessing. This gift was one of hope. A hope in my Heavenly Father that he will and does keep his promises

If this gift is my only gift, I cannot say — I also cannot say if I have other gifts — or if my passion for writing is just that, a passion and not a gift perhaps, I cannot say.  I know that I enjoy it and have enjoyed it for a better part of my life. Over the years, It gave me the freedom to express myself when I was too scared to show it. It allowed the cowardly lioness to come out and unafraid.

My dream or rather, passion has been to touch just one person — one person I can help, through my experience and inspiration given to me by my Father.  I do not have the gift of song, but what I do have are in these pages.  I hope for the chance to be heard with an angelic voice in my writing.